Victimhood - Part 2
*Read “Victimhood - Part 1” before reading this post.
There’s a few reasons we struggle to find a way out of victimhood. We may experience all of these or just one of them:
1. we feel stuck
2. we get comfortable
3. we feel a sense of control
We’re picking up this week on reasons 2 [we get comfortable] and 3 [we feel a sense of control].
Sometimes in victimhood we get comfortable.
The sadness, the memories, the mental oppression is so recurrent that we actually get used to it. We don’t necessarily feel good or healed from the past, but we’ve adapted to the idea that this is our new normal.
We conform ourselves to the identity of “victim”. We’re used to people always looking at us with pity. We humbly submit to the idea that we’ll never have healthy relationships or successful careers because we’ve been too damaged.
It’s not that we feel helpless and unable to move forward; we know we’re not stuck. But, if we’re honest with ourselves, comfort is the easiest option so we just stick with it. Comfort requires no pushback and no additional costs.
Comfort is a place of acceptance. Which, I know sounds good and desirable at the forefront. Until you realize that comfort is an acceptance of defeat. Comfort, in the context of victimhood, is accepting that past circumstances and negative thoughts now rule your life.
When we choose to remain comfortable we forfeit the rest of our lives to what has happened in the past. But when we can recognize that “comfort” does not equal “healthy”, we can start to step out of our comfort zone, out of victimhood, and into healing.
Stepping out of our comfort zone is not easy and it requires additional work from us just to get back to a healthy state. It’s a whole process we shouldn’t have to do in the first place because we should have never been victimized in the first place. It feels a little (okay, A LOT) unfair doesn’t it? Regardless, it is a necessary step if we want to take ownership of our circumstances in order to take back ownership of our lives.
Some of us stay in victimhood because we feel a sense of control in it.
But how can we feel like we’re in control if we’re the victim? I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase before: “playing the victim”. Well, that is how one feels control as a victim. And this is the most unhealthy reason for someone to stay in victimhood.
Here’s how that might play out in one’s life:
Someone who goes through a divorce always call outs, blames, and criticizes their ex-spouse for how they hurt them. They forever say “woe is me, I’ll never be loved or married again”. They never attempt to heal from the situation because they feel more in control if they can use their situation to garner sympathy. Staying in victimhood allows them a free pass to excuse any poor behavior.
Do we really want to live this way? Do we want to give up the chance of new love so that we can keep feeling bad about lost love? Do we prefer that people look at our lives with pity instead of with awe and inspiration? Do we want to keep ourselves trapped in the past rather than moving forward?
Please hear me on this: I don’t want to diminish the fact that anyone who plays the victim has still been through something painful and was unfairly treated by another person. And, in all fairness, someone’s behavior in victimhood is typically a result of fear and insecurities, not evil character. My intent is not to portray this person as some kind of villain. But, we are all still responsible for our own actions and must recognize when those actions are damaging ourselves and/or others.
I don’t look down at anyone who has played the victim. I’ve done it myself at times. What I want us to see is that, regardless of how playing the victim may make us feel in control, it is only a false sense of security that can never take us any closer to healing.
We must let go of “control” and of this false sense of security. If our actions are rooted in revenge and bitterness, or a need for attention and sympathy, then we are not in control of anything; those emotions and desires are actually controlling us.
Keeping ourselves in victimhood, for any of the reasons mentioned (or not mentioned), will never take us to the best, most full and healthy version of ourselves. It won’t be easy, but it’s time we start to take the steps out of victimhood and into ownership.
Ownership does not entail admitting guilt or fault on behalf of the offender. It is not taking responsibility for the people or the circumstances that victimized us.
Ownership is accepting, adapting to, and, when possible, harnessing what has happened.
Acceptance is acknowledging the reality of what we went through and the fact that it has changed our life and our perspective on some level. We recognize and accept that the past cannot be altered or erased and we can only move forward from here.
After acceptance, adaption can start to take place. We have acknowledged and accepted what happened, but that’s not where we leave things. We won’t stay where we are or continue to be controlled by the past. We understand that we still have a say in our lives and we get to choose how we move forward. We find ways to rid ourselves of the negative beliefs that came from our victimization and/or we learn to celebrate any positive ways that our lives have changed.
Finally, after much acceptance and adaptation, we can start to harness what has happened to us. We can actually use our circumstance, our story, and our healing to help others. This may happen within our lifetime or it may happen even after we’re gone from this earth. We may get to see the people it helps or we may have no idea who, or how, it helps. But we get the joy of knowing that our healing can become the hope and encouragement that others need. That just maybe, through our story, the pain and suffering of others can be relieved.
The question we must ask ourselves is: “What am I going to do with what happened to me?”
Are we going to keep ourselves in the mental mindset of a victim, or are we going to take ownership so that we can heal? Will we choose to stay stuck, stay comfortable, and hold onto false control? Or will we choose to accept, adapt to, and harness what has happened?
-Stephanie Lauren Auman
