You Are More Than Your _____

You are more than your ______: perfectionism, depression, mistakes, people-pleasing, trauma. Fill in that blank with anything that holds you back personally; but guess what? You are more than anything you could write there. You are more than your diagnosis. You are more than your behaviors. You are more than your experiences.

A little about myself:

The two most prominent things I’ve struggled with most of my life are perfectionism and people-pleasing. Up until just a couple of years ago I truly believed these were just a part of who I am. Integral to my identity and purpose. Unable to ever be changed.

What shifted my perspective was a conversation I had with my sister. We were chatting about some of her psychology coursework and she mentioned that perfectionism is a trait, or behavior, that can form after some sort of childhood trauma. I didn’t think much of it in the moment. After all, I assumed that was a part of me since birth. But that stuck with me. And as I later learned more about cognitive distortions, and then reflected on my childhood experiences in light of this knowledge, I began to see my perfectionism and people-pleasing for what they were: distortions.

See, when I say perfectionism and people-pleasing, I don’t mean the surface level aspects of these, like being detail-oriented, organized, or caring for other’s needs. I mean the deep struggle of demanding perfection from myself at all times and believing that I’m a failure if I don’t live up to that perfection. Or the struggle of avoiding conflict and always submitting to someone else’s wants/needs/ideas because I fear that rocking the boat will result in rejection or abandonment.

For so long I believed these things were “me”; traits that I would live with forever. I now see that they are distortions of who I was created to be.

Think about your own life. Are there similar things you’ve struggled with most of your life, believing that they’re an integral part of who you are?

The things that you would use to describe yourself, if asked; the things that you would say “I wouldn’t be ‘me’ if not for this”. The same things that you’ve likely used as an excuse or justifier for your actions, as I’ve done many times. {Example: “Sorry I’m being so mean about you doing this task. I’m just a perfectionist, I can’t help it.”}

Maybe it’s not a personality trait or cognitive distortion for you. It could be an event or a mental health diagnosis. You describe yourself as “a divorced Christian” or “a depressed millennial”.

As we move through life, we begin to adopt these things as part of our identity and we allow them to hold us back. Yes, they are a part of our story. Yes, they’ve shaped who we are in some way. We can’t deny that. But they are not the sum whole of us. They do not define our identity as God created us. They do not determine our worth or purpose.

I’m obviously not God..but I say this with as much certainty as humanly possible: I know that God did not make me to be a people-pleasing, perfectionist; my experiences, perspectives, and responses made me that way. Likewise, God did not design you, nor does He define you, by your mental health, cognitions, experiences, or mistakes.

You are not bound by the things you have developed, or adapted to, or suffer from! Once you know this truth you can live it out in 2 different ways. It’s both an encouragement and a challenge.

The Encouragement

This thing you struggle with is not your identity and it doesn’t have to determine your future. A failed marriage does not label you “the divorcee”, nor does it mean you cannot still have a healthy, successful marriage one day. Depression does not define you, and you can still experience moments of joy and peace. Perfectionism is not who you are, and you can work to overcome unhealthy perspectives.

When your struggles are not your identity it removes shame and it allows you to step into a more thriving, healthy life. It allows you to recognize that these things do not control you because they are not you. You can find freedom from the imprisonment of the things that get in the way and hold you back. It doesn’t mean the struggles are always removed from your life, it means you are equipped and enabled to work through them. You are more than your struggles!

The Challenge

Knowing that you can have freedom from your struggles also creates a challenge. The challenge is: you cannot blame your struggles or use them as an excuse for your actions anymore. You cannot treat others poorly, or neglect healthy habits, and say “oh well, it’s all anxiety’s fault, I can’t really help it”. You cannot continue to burn yourself out trying to please others and use the excuse that you’re a people-pleaser and you always will be. You cannot define yourself by your experiences, because you know now that you are so much more.

I know that’s not an easy challenge. And it will take a lot more than just reading this post to get there. But know that you are not alone. I’m right here with you, still working through my own struggles; and we’ll work through them together.

-Stephanie Lauren Auman