The Struggle to Forgive

“Forgiveness is so easy! I love forgiving and wish I had more opportunities to implement it in my life.” Said no one ever. Of all the things we’re challenged to overcome in life, and of all the components of the healing journey, forgiveness is one of the biggest hurdles.

If you yourself struggle to forgive others: congratulations, you’re human. Because nobody finds it easy and nobody actually desires to do it.

But what is it about forgiveness that makes it such a struggle? I had to sit down and ask myself this question before I could keep writing. I landed on two answers-two driving forces for why we so desperately fight against forgiving others.

First of all, forgiveness is not a second nature, or muscle memory, type of action. It’s not like breathing or riding a bike where, once we’ve learned it, it automatically becomes our initial response in moments of hurt and betrayal. Forgiveness is quite the opposite. It takes intentional, ongoing effort. We have to recall to mind the events (reminding us of how someone hurt us) as we put in hard work to heal and learn to trust people again. It’s rarely a one-and-done action, sometimes requiring effort every day for years. Forgiveness is something chosen and implemented by our efforts.

This creates in us an emotional resistance to forgiveness. We can’t stand the thought of choosing to remember our hurt and then having to work through it. It would be so much easier to remain bitter because that’s already how we feel. It’s always easiest and most comfortable to stay where we are, and forgiveness challenges that ease and comfort.

Secondly, forgiveness is a struggle because it feels unjust. It feels as if we’re forced to give an innocent verdict to a criminal, while also handing over our possessions and resources so they can get back to a normal life. The slate is wiped clean for the offender, but not for us. We still have the memories, the pain, the suffering. And the tables have flipped, we are somehow the one making sacrifices to pay the price for their actions.

This creates in us a moral resistance to forgiveness. It feels like a double injustice to let the offender off the hook and to also make the victim pay the price. None of this sounds fair. Isn’t God a God of justice? Doesn’t He punish the wicked and reward the righteous? People have to pay for their actions, but forgiveness challenges us to show mercy instead.

So we have this pair of anger and injustice, both feeding off of each other. But this is not where I’m going to tell you to just let it go or get over it. Because guess who else got angry at injustice? Jesus.

To be angry at injustice is a righteous and noble cause. Please don’t shame yourself into believing that you are a subpar Christian because forgiveness does not come easy to you. To be hurt or betrayed by another human is unjust and it is okay if that draws forth emotions. The thing we must work on is how we react in response to those emotions.

Jesus had a variety of responses to the hurts committed against him and the injustices he witnessed against others. He flipped tables in the temple when religious leaders took financial advantage of people who wanted to worship. He also responded with a quiet, humble spirit when betrayed by one of his own disciples and when put on trial for blasphemy.

While the actions of his responses varied, Jesus responded to each situation with the end goal in sight. The purpose of his responses were to ultimately communicate the gospel and influence the hearts and minds of others towards God.

Jesus never sought revenge or held a grudge in any situation of hurt or injustice. Considering all he went through, that’s pretty impressive. It seems impossible really, but he was able to do this because he always had the gospel in mind.

Jesus knew that his life and his ministry was leading up to the cross. He knew the mission was to die for the sins of every person, including all those who blatantly hurt him. I think it’s possible he had those very people in mind when he prayed in the garden and asked God that “if possible, may this cup be taken from me” (Matthew 26:39).

I think he struggled with not only the fear of the shameful and painful method of death, but also, the thought of having to pay this price on behalf of his offenders. But salvation was the mission and the gospel was important above all else, so he kept moving forward to the cross.

When we struggle to forgive it is because we are still looking in the past at what happened. This isn’t sinful, we all do it. But the sad reality is that nothing can be done in reverse to remove that moment or erase our memory.

This makes us feel like we have to face the rest of our lifetime with our hurts; but we don’t. Rather than trying to figure out a way backwards to redeem our pain, we have to look for a way forward to redeem our pain.

Moving forward doesn’t change the past, but it does change us. Moving forward means keeping the end goal in sight-our mission and the gospel. It means responding in a way that communicates the gospel and influences the hearts and minds of others towards God. Moving forward allows us to use our anger at injustice in a righteous way for the betterment of others.

It is not lying down and accepting defeat, nor is it making allowance for the actions of the offender. It is shifting perspectives to see the bigger picture at work and allowing ourselves to heal so that we can be better for ourselves and better for others.

Through a healing journey with God, with therapists, with supportive people walking alongside us, our pain can be redeemed. You might still have to absorb the cost of someone else’s poor choices, but Jesus absorbed the cost of your hurt on that cross. You don’t have to carry the weight of it, you can hand that hurt over to him.

Revenge or bitterness can’t redeem your pain, only Jesus can.

-Stephanie Lauren Auman