Give Yourself Grace

“Give yourself grace”. I’m writing that to you, but it’s echoing loudly right back at me. Giving oneself grace is something I’m still learning, and not great at implementing. I imagine the case may be the same for you.

When it comes to mental health, grief, healing, self-image, or trauma, it seems to be much easier to have grace for others than to have it for ourselves. We encourage others with kind words, we support them through the grief, and we’re patient through it all.

When our partner says they hate the way their body looks we are quick to jump in and help them see their beauty. When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one we patiently, supportively walk through the process with them. When a family member has past or present trauma we are attentive to their triggers and what they need for healing.

And yet, we’re unnecessarily hard on ourselves in the exact same scenarios. We discourage ourselves with unkind words and thoughts, we try to force ourselves into being healed, and we demand perfection. There is no room for error.

Why do we treat ourselves this way when we know we have the capacity to show grace? If we can do it for others, can’t we do it for ourselves?

I think this inability to show ourselves more grace comes from the belief that we don’t deserve it. It’s not so much that we can’t receive grace, it’s that we haven’t earned it. The irony is: grace is not something that has to be earned. By design, grace is utterly independent of the recipient’s merit; it is given out of forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

If we find ourselves struggling to receive grace, it may be because we have not forgiven ourselves, accepted our situation, or learned self-love.

Forgiveness

For the person who needs to forgive themself: give yourself grace.

Yes, you may have made a mistake that unintentionally hurt others or had negative consequences in some way. You may even be blaming yourself for something you’re not even at fault for. You’re likely thinking, “I should have known better”, “I needed to do more”, “I could have prevented that”, “I’m a terrible person for messing up”.

Let me ask you a few questions to reflect on.

Did the affected person(s) already forgive you?

Have you sought to make amends?

Have you taken steps towards correcting the error or preventing it from happening again?

Is this situation caused by someone else’s decisions and actions?

If you can answer yes to any [or all] of these, please be kinder to yourself.

Acceptance

For the person who must accept their situation: give yourself grace.

Acceptance is for the person who is in a situation, or a season of life, that can’t be largely changed or controlled.

You might be juggling a full time job, parenting, health complications, relational struggles, and more. You feel like you have to give 110% to each of these, while other areas of your life get neglected. It’s too much, it can’t all be done and done well.

Perhaps you’re in a journey of growth and healing after a trauma or hardship. You have this idea in your mind that you should be hitting benchmarks by “said month”, or that a certain number of therapy sessions will get you to where you need to be. You know someone else who was fine after a few months but you’re still struggling years later. You thought you moved through all the steps of grief but you feel right back at step 1 again.

I struggle daily in this area myself. Thanks to the love and grace from my boyfriend and other wise people around me, I can offer you some of the same encouragement I’ve received.

You don’t have to do it all. The level of your accomplishments does not determine your value. You are still loved, and the world will not fall apart, if you don’t get something done. Ask for help. There is no time frame on healing. Growth takes a lifetime. Grief is not linear. You are not expected to be perfect. It’s okay to not be okay. This season won’t last forever. Learn to distinguish what is essential and non-essential. Do what you can, and go easy on yourself everywhere else.

Self-Love

For the person who needs more self-love: give yourself grace.

This one is the toughest to live out. We can learn to forgive ourselves and let go of blame. We can ease the reins on our expectations and work load. But to love ourselves-to look in the [literal and metaphorical] mirror and be able to actual value what we see-that takes quite a bit of extra grace.

The next time you discourage yourself, whatever it may be about, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “would I say this same thing to a loved one?” I don’t imagine you would tell someone they are gross, lazy, or worthless in the same matter-of-fact manner you tell yourself, would you? Is it possible that you’re only saying these things because you don’t love or value yourself, and not because they’re true?

We struggle to love ourselves because we struggle to see our beauty and our worth. A crucial part of loving oneself is to tune out the opinions of others who say that worth is dependent on ethnicity, job title, financial class, neighborhood, house, family, personality, hobbies, disabilities, appearance, and so on. If we resort to these opinions and expectations of others we will never measure up; and if we don’t measure up, then how can we really love who we are?

Comparison is the thief of joy because it removes your ability to appreciate your life and to love yourself. So let me remind you that you are a one-of-a-kind person. If you were the only person to walk this earth you would still be valuable, and if you were to never walk this earth the world wouldn’t be the same without you. You are worthy of life and love. You have gifts and traits that this world needs. Don’t compare yourself to others, but give yourself grace by learning to love yourself more.

Before you close out of this and move on with your day, I encourage you to repeat the following. Say it out loud or with a friend if you need help believing it!

“I choose to receive grace. I forgive myself. I accept my current situation. I love myself.”

And if you ever wonder where the strength comes from to be able to show yourself grace, look below at Hebrews 4:16.

“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

-Stephanie Lauren Auman